Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
This probably isn’t good
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
This is a whole mood;
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.