Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.