Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.