A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Going into Monday like
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*aggressively waits in line*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.