My time has come.
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse