Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You Might Also Like
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
oh my god
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.