“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Lmao 🤣
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole