[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?