Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.