Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Smile they said.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.