IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes