Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.