Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Never be a pizza!
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.