This week’s mood.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
True
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.