Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
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Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
fair
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad