I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
meow
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Finally, a door that understands me
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.