We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
WHO DID THIS?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.