Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE