Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You Might Also Like
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Cheer up.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
my dog when i have a friend over
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
do horses think humans are hats
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
This is enough internet for the day.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people