How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere