Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Hey! This isn’t my car!
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*