I remember when things only cost an arm.
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Sticker placement is key.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Boom, boom, ching!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else