had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
socratic questions
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not