Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
What the hell happened here.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Why is everyone getting married at me
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.