Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
#winning
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
They grow up so quick
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Dammit Chief not again
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*