Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
#parenting
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?