Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again