I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!