Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Care for your back
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend