Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
birds and squirrels envy us
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
me: my friends:
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime