In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.