Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.