Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I know karate and tons of other words.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again