Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
let’s discuss
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave