You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.