Siri, fight Alexa.
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?