Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.