“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
You Might Also Like
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I’m listening
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance