Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”