Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
You Might Also Like
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Pretty much! 😂👀
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.