The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.