You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard