just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Happy weekend !
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉