Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Heroic Misunderstanding
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long