push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
You Might Also Like
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Every BBC series about the universe.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.