Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}