Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you