What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
nice challenge
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.