Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
📽️movie date🎞️
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”