i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.